When the Scale Weighs Down and Isn't Balanced Anymore
I've often wondered what finding balance really means when there is so much to do and be a part of in life. Especially when you love so many things! How do you pick and choose what to do? How much is too much? AND what happens when things just become too much?
I've always run in my life and involved myself in so many things because I guess I could. It's only now, as I get older, I've reflected more on why I've run so much? Why have I busied myself with no time left for me? What have I been running from, and what am I afraid of? Ultimately I suppose, what is my purpose?
Those are tough questions, and I hope I am gifted with time to figure that out.
It was about twelve years ago when the balance scale tipped, and I couldn't hold it together any longer. I worked full time as a reading teacher hopping from three different schools in rural Alberta, every half hour working with two students supporting them in reading difficulties. My only break-time was lunch in my car as I travelled to different schools about half an hour away from each other.
Like many moms, I rushed home after school to prepare supper and set the stage for the craziness of activities filling the nightly schedule. With two teenagers and a child under ten, it was homework, music, school sports, hockey and ringette that filled up our time. Trying to be super mom, I coached ringette for both girls and ran power skating for hockey and ringette teams. I lapped up the JOY of watching my children in every game, activity or event. I couldn't miss! There's an A-type personality at its best for sure!
I suppose in everything I was doing, I lost myself. That is why I was caught so off guard when my vision went. And when I say my vision went, my vision WENT. Pixel vision, little boxes making up everything I saw in front of me, became my new normal. The journey into the darkest place of my life started when work ended, and medical tests began. I went to places in my mind I thought I'd never go, and I buried myself in the belief I wouldn't be around for my kids. They were going to lose their mom - no, they already had! I was sick.
Yep, I was mentally not well, and I was physically exhausted. I spent 8 months off work under the dosage of some incredible drugs that made me feel better. I enjoyed the warmth and heat of the sun on our back deck wrapped under the tint of my sunglasses and warm blankets. In Chinook country, I was able to do this! TIME and a break from the rat race schedule became my recovery.
Doctors never did determine what was wrong with me, although I believe now my eye doctor at the time nailed it…STRESS. Stress has an incredible way of sneaking up on you when you don't even realize it. Stress also has a way of attacking your weakest body part; for me, that's vision, a lifelong struggle.
Stress had been sneaking into me for a while before the scale crashed. For years before this breakdown, I had struggled with debilitating lower abdominal cramps that often overtook me and required hospitalization for the attacks. I couldn't wait for the morphine that provided the relief I needed right away. This had been my life many years before 2012, with attacks happening up to three times a year.
So… what has happened? The scale has become more balanced. As I've gotten older and wiser, I have started to listen to body signs, and I've become more in control of my life. I've learned to manage the stress by making and taking time for myself. I schedule the 'ME' times into my weekly routine and am diligent about hydration, exercise and rest. I create more time for personal reading, and when out enjoying the outdoors, I love learning through podcasts.
My husband has been my rock, and I probably wouldn't have made it without him. He provided the reason when my own mind wouldn't let me. AND for that, I am very grateful. Thank GOD!
Sincerely submitted,
Lana Lane
